Some days it feels like I am off track, lost in space, not really there
The SilenceI couple of month a go I went on a silent retreat for 4 days, with one question "Who am I?". For 4 days, I asked myself the same question over and over and over again, until it lost it's meaning - I became the question. Basically the question got reduced to "I".
It turned in to a philosophical dilemma, because all that was left was the question. I did not find any answers, just more questions. Like always, I question. everything. I seek progress, to see the other side, to understand what's behind the obvious .. And sometimes that leaves me hanging in limbo for a long time. I try to rationalize the in's and out's, the intangible and the obvious, the right's and wrong's - and I have also come to the Einstein conclusion that everything is relative. Relatively inconsistent, and that leaves a lot of room to ponder ..
So in the end I had to accept that this is who I am, what humanity is, the question. Our human consciousness is curiosity, we live the question.
So here I am, living as a consequence of a billion factors that had to meet, to make me - the blank space, or the perfect hybrid of Q&A = Awareness. And that, in essens, my friends, is humanity. Love is the energy that holds the universe together, the spiritual is what makes it aware of it's existence. For some reason that spiritual energy had to materialize as planet earth, with love driving life as we know it, and the human beings as conscious awareness. Which leads me to the statement above "humanity is the question/awareness/curiosity".
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience - G. I. Gurdjieff
That's it, but not all. It seems as we have forgotten the question and only live by the answers. If humanity is the answer, what is the question? For some reason the spiritual energy had to manifest itself into a physical awareness to .?? I'd like to know.
That's it - or is it?
These days it seems as our answers are predominantly being ruled by religion and capitalism. If we look to the media it seems as humanity is a destructive force of ego's that is willing to sacrifice all for .. what? That leaves room for another question, for what? Apparently this destructive force of ego's is being supported by something beyond our reach. I doubt we will ever know the answer to that, but live the consequences. The questions is, are the consequences the blank space in between the Q&A? Is this "life"?
There I go again, of on my mental journey, into the blank oblivion ..
OK, OK, OK, OK
All I needed to know is, am I Ok? Is it OK to be me? Is it OK to live on a question alone? The awareness in me says "yes - that is the essens of life". The body says "no - we need to make money!", which is only fair. The physical manifestation wouldn't make much sense if I let it starve under a bush in the forrest, the physical manifestation needs food and fun too ;-)
The difficulty lies not in solving problems but identifying the questions
So the real dilemma is, is it OK to earn a living questioning life? Of course it is.. lot's of people do, because they studied and have great titles to their names. But here's the thing; they study answers and forget to question, in essens. Without the question, the answer is relatively weak.
Accepting the blank spaceIt is hard to live in the blank space for too long. The ego needs to be acknowledged by being able to give answers, and possibly making money doing so. True artists produce questions and thrive in this, while floating in the blank space, without being able to give the answers. We, the audience, live the answers and feed them back to artist. True artists can survive the blank space for a lifetime, like David Bowie e.g. But most get beaten down by their ego's. (That was an answer to something ;) However, I am not an artist, I am a question.
I've been asking a lot of questions all my life, none were given, all where experienced. The fact of the matter is, I've come a long way to be who I am. I've had to make a million choices to be where I am now - just like you. Who you are in relation to me, is the question now that you read this. If I am me, who are you and what are "we"?
These past days I have spent asking myself "is it OK to be me?". Is it OK to ask people to go on this journey with me into the blank space, and I think it is. Does it make sense - hell yeah! It's the meaning of life. Come along!